A lot of my Twins fan
friends are proposing ways to fix the team, so I’ll throw in my suggestion.
Nothing.
This season was a
write-off from the first day of spring training. They had no hope at the
playoffs and were shooting merely for a return to respectability, a .500-ish
record and some decent play. But that’s not even a hope anymore. Now, it’s
looking more and more like their goal will be to avoid taking over the title of
Worst Team in Modern Baseball History from the 1962 Mets (the Twins are on pace
to “beat” them). The offense is below average, the starting pitching
horrendous, the bullpen filled with overpaid hacks, the defense filled with feet
and arms of clay. The piranhas of a few years ago are now puppy dogs who roll
over and want their bellies rubbed.
Worse yet, there’s
nothing on the farm. A minor upgrade or two at offense, maybe, but pitching is
a desert, especially now that their two best pitching prospects have gone down
with career threatening injuries.
Earlier in the season,
I thought they would come around, that they were going through a rough stretch,
that they weren’t nearly as bad as their record would indicate and a .500 season
still wasn’t unrealistic. But I don’t think so anymore. Now, I think their
record is a fairly accurate representation of their talent level. They really
are this bad.
Which is why they should
do nothing. Because nothing they can do will improve this team. Calling up players
from the minors will do nothing because replacing major league crap with minor
league crap doesn’t help. Firing Ron Gardenhire won’t change anything because
not even Tony LaRussa or Joe Torre could get anything out of this group.
And as for trades, this
team has so many holes they can’t possibly be filled with a few knee jerk
trades, as if they have players to trade in the first place. Morneau’s injuries
render him untradeable, and so is Mauer because of his contract, and with an injury
history of his own. Only Span (one of baseball’s most underrated players) and,
at this point, Willingham would generate any trade interest. Maybe Pavano at
the trade deadline.
So, do nothing because
doing nothing means getting draft picks. Write off this season. Accept the
ignominy of passing the Mets to become the Worst Team in Baseball History.
Trade Span and Willingham and Pavano, but take in return only draft picks or highly
ranked prospects who have a better than average chance of reaching the majors (if
they’re not first ruined physically by the Twins’ inept training staff). Ride
out the howls of indignation from the fans who don’t realize that there
are no quick fixes with a team this bad.
Keep the fans interested with even more promotions, t-shirt giveaways,
post-game concerts by the Beach Boys or Paul Westerberg (or the Beach Boys with
Paul Westerberg). Hand out tickets like candy because they’re going to have a
hard time selling them anyway, might as well make sure they go to use. Introduce
waterfowl races with a loon, a mallard and a Canada goose. Bring back the ’87 and
’91 World Series teams at least twice a season. Each.
So hoard those draft
picks. Savor them, throw them on the bed and roll around naked in them, let
them slide through their fingers while shouting “bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha” in their most
evil laugh (I’m sure the Pohlads are good at evil laughs). Write off this
season. And the next. And probably the next. Two or three seasons of lousy play
will leave them loaded with gold bar draft picks that they can use to get the
next Stephen Strasburg, the next Bryce Harper, while making Mauer the next Ryan
Zimmerman. If things fall right, they’ll be the next Washington Nationals,
which isn’t something I thought I’d ever say, but right now, it seems like it
might not be a bad goal to have. Even if the Nats finish only .500, it’ll be an
upgrade.
Because it looks increasingly
likely that otherwise, they’ll be the next Pittsburgh Pirates or Kansas City
Royals.
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